Curve Balls
I feel like I’m in a perpetual state of dodging, getting hit by or recovering from curve balls. It’s not that I’m unaware of life’s problems and bewildered by the challenges. It’s more like I’m standing below a raging storm that decides to touch down on my life whenever it feels like.
The battles I’m facing are trying to stir up feelings of doubt, unbelief, paralyzing fear and good old fashion bad moods. Can you start to see the pattern here? It’s feelings not truth. I believe the goal of curve balls is to create an atmosphere that causes me to allow my feelings to rule and guide me in decision making. Knowing this and acting on this wisdom is a huge step toward victory. Unlike something I witnessed recently.
Last week someone at the dentist office freaked out when she found out her insurance coverage didn’t kick in until July 1 not June 1. She found that out after her child received two fillings. Lets just say she went with her feelings and took no time to think about responding appropriately. Embarrassing to say the least.
Um just so you know, that woman was none other than…me. Yea. And that was just one example. Yes, there are more. I know, hard to believe.
In the moment at the dentist office it evoked a series of thoughts that spun out of control. In my mind I was connecting all the curve balls going on in my present life and in my mind I was creating one big gigundous curve ball.
Regardless, every day is a new day. 
Though the battles may still rage around me I’m choosing to seek and believe truth. I recently read Matthew 13:27-30, the illustration about the discovery of weed seeds sown in a perfectly good field of wheat and not finding out until the weeds and wheat grew together. (my paraphrase) The owner of the field goes on to explain that an enemy has done this. The workers of the field want to rip up the weeds but the owner says no it will cause the good wheat to be uprooted. It will have to wait until the wheat is ready to harvest then they can be separated.
God is so wise, patient and kind. He knows what we need, when and how we need it. That scripture was timely for me because it reminded me that life is not perfect and I do not get to choose to not live with curve balls. Rather I get to choose to trust God with my life surrounded by and permeated with them.
Life as I know it in this moment is saturated by God. Period. That’s the truth. Life as I understand it will always have curve balls to contend with.
My Relationship with Pilates
Wow, I never thought my relationship with Pilates would become something I could relate my life to. I look forward to going every time but as I’m working my body I’m screaming in my head, How much longer! and, No more!. Sometimes its, I quit!. Really though I don’t want to quit or give up, I just feel that way.
It’s a challenge like all workouts should be, but I know I could not accomplish what I do every time without Melanie. She teaches, demonstrates, coaches and course corrects as I need it. I know that I would not do it on my own or at least to the extent she pushes me. (Thank you Melanie!) I need her and her ability to push me physically beyond where I am now. In order for me to get everything out of the workout and make a difference I have to choose to submit to her and the workout.
So it is with my life. There are times I just want to scream, STOP!. It used to be, I QUIT!!!. So, I’m progressing! I’m progressing because there are people in my life who teach, demonstrate, coach and course correct as I need it. I submit to it and accept it. Life can be hard and having someone say, keep going you’re almost there, can make a difference. I appreciate all the coaches in my life!
I’m also learning how to do this for others. It’s not as easy as it looks, the way it does when those who love me do it for me. I’m a hard case and I suppose the time invested in me reflects that. I must keep that in mind as I invest in others. There are a few in my life, that may be at times, wanted to give up on me, may be not, but they didn’t. They continued to invest in my life hoping for a return, sometimes seeing glimpses. I need to do that for others. As difficult as it is, because people can be unpredictable. Others may give up and all invested would seem to be wasted, but my focus should not be on the possibility of loss but on the potential of return.
I have a love/hate relationship with Pilates and I’m pretty sure it will continue to be a source of revelation. Thank you Melanie and Devita Pilates!
Winter
Winter, you’re making me crazy for Spring…
To feel the warm sun shine on my face and warm breeze deliver sweet fragrances of new life…
To take long walks and hear leaves on a thousand trees waving, announcing that Spring is here…
I want to listen to the birds singing their songs of love…
To see them meticulously build their homes for their newborns…
I long to be surprised by the bursting potential of once hidden blooms…
To hold them in my hands and share their beauty with my love…
Oh Spring where are you? Come quickly…
Winter, you have served your purpose. I think you’re sticking around because you’re having way too much fun…
No one is laughing anymore…it’s time to go.
Happy Birthday To Me
Celebrating birthdays means celebrating life. To me, celebrating life means celebrating God. He is the reason I live. When I look back and realize the possibilities of near death experiences, you know, stupidity, unnecessary risks, flat out defiance to gravity and that gentle but confirming voice that says “don’t do it, you’ll be sorry”, I’m extremely grateful I’m still breathing.
God is the author of my life. He is the one that decided to create me, and you. He knitted and formed me. He chose to combine the personality, strong will, left brain/right brain, sometimes joyous, sometimes overwhelming, complex, quirky me together. I had no say, but now it’s up to me to take all this and make my life count for something, make a difference.
I celebrate my birthday with great joy and anticipation of what this year will contain. It’s another chapter written I get to live out. My prayer is for every person reading this to celebrate their birthday with the same anticipation. Live your life to the fullest as God intended!
Happy Birthday To Me!
A Time to Heal
There is a time for everything… including healing. It has been a long season for me and it’s not over yet. It would be easy if there was no pain involved, but with healing comes pain. Most people would rather stuff the pain somewhere and never attempt healing. Who wants to hurt? No one does, but I can tell you it’s worth going through a painful process to be completely healed and made whole. To be able to confidently look at the source of the pain that once was and it never be a source of pain again.
I’ve shared portions of my life story before but never as publicly as this. My desire is for others to be healed and made whole. I believe it’s important for people who have walked through difficult times and been victorious to help others do the same. My hope is to make a difference and use what was meant for my harm to be used for healing.
My life was plagued with questions and holes that seem to hold the answers but were unaccessible. Oddly, I never feared what was hidden. I remember thinking, how is it possible to not have childhood memories. It was frustrating at times, especially when I would hear others talk about their childhood memories. It’s not that I had none, I had a few, brief moments. It bothered me.
Michael and I made the decision to move 850 miles from our hometown to begin something new. Our two children were younger than school age, our marriage was on life support and it seemed we needed a change. It was the best thing we could have done. Within a month I made another decision, the one that would change my life forever. I chose to surrender my life to Christ. It was the beginning of an undefined adventure to say the least.
Over the next decade I learned so much about myself through my relationship with God, his love and desire for me. I remember thinking before I surrendered to him I had everything I wanted, except there was this terrible void that I just could not fill. That void became full and the joy was indescribable. There were moments when I would spend time in prayer and felt his presence. There was this particular time the whole world was shut out and I was in Jesus’ lap. I felt no pain, sadness or had horrible thoughts. The horrible thoughts would haunt me, I hated them, I didn’t understand why they would plague me, but they were gone during this time. It was great. Healing was taking place. I had no idea how deep the pain was or how difficult the process would become. Of course I really didn’t know the severity or the beginning of the deep, inflicted wound. I thought it was all due to rejection and things, sin, I had inflicted on myself. Little did I know.
Eleven years after we moved and I surrendered to God I was doing some research on sexual abuse. I had been recommending a book for women who have been sexually abused and I thought it would be a good idea to read the book myself. One night as I was reading I had what some would call a flashback. It was in that instant that the life I had lived now made sense. I had three flashbacks, each was enough to remind me of the story, the pain, the reason for who I had become. Amazingly in the third flashback I saw Jesus standing by as I was sexually abused by someone who I was entrusted to. He was standing there with his arms crossed and I could feel his indignation toward what was happening to me. I was in awe as I also felt his immense love not only for me, but for that person. In the moment that followed I immediately chose to forgive that person. Understanding God’s love for both of us allowed me the freedom to release that person to him.
That person made a choice that changed the course of a child’s life, my life. There was nothing I could do to change that person’s choice. Beyond this I could live my life as a victim or pursue God with all my heart, knowing he would make beautiful things out of what was done to me. He had already begun that process over ten years prior and was continuing to do so. More than it was difficult to remember, God was faithful not to give me more than I can handle. His gentle, healing process brought me to a place of forgiveness. It was and remains one of the most beautiful things made out of the raw reality of my life.
I chose a victorious life in him and continue to do so. Some days were difficult and presented challenges I definitely did not want to walk through, let alone face. It has become easier as I have learned how to handle challenges that provoke the consequences of being sexually abused. I’m grateful for those close to me that have been instruments in my healing process without causing me to become codependent on them. I hope and pray for every person who has experienced sexual abuse to know the love God has for them and the power of his forgiveness.